


Unconventional Confessions

by Rainstorm67



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Blood, Body Horror, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, M/M, Mention of a dead body, Remus is in this so, Sexual innuendos, Strong Language, The darks all curse like sailors what did you expect, This is sweet and funny I swear, Vulgar Language, disturbing imagery, kind of a crackfic, mention of internal organs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25545238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainstorm67/pseuds/Rainstorm67
Summary: Janus had a problem.  A huge problem. It was the worst thing to ever happen.Janus was in love.How disgusting.-----aka. The Receit crack fic you didn't know you needed. Receit? Demus? Dukeceit? Why do they have so many ship names?
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Familial DRLAMP, platonic DRLAMP, platonic Moceit
Comments: 18
Kudos: 172





	Unconventional Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! I finally wrote something that WASN'T angst, but it's still Janus-centric, so...   
> And it's still my two fave boys...  
> But it's ship this time! And, true to form, I can't just make some serious, mushy fluff, oh no. No no, that isn't these two's aesthetic at all.   
> This is feral and mildly crack, and I wrote it within 4 hours. Hope you enjoy, and let me know if I missed any tags! I'm still learning how to properly tag things.

There was a problem. A  _ huge _ problem. It was the worst thing to ever happen.

Janus was in love.

And not just with any Side, oh no. No, Janus was in love with a  _ stinky trash rat of a man _ \- 

The half-snake buried his face in his pillow and  _ screamed _ , half-curling up under his silk sheets. An annoyed knock against his wall from Virgil reminded him that it was the middle of the night, but he didn’t care about the time right now. Time was a social construct, anyways. 

Janus let out another scream into his poor pillow, ignoring his phone as it blew up with texts from the others, probably questioning if he was okay. The answer would be a resounding  _ no. _

How could this happen? He was Deceit! He was Denial and lying! How could he fall for  _ anyone _ , let alone a half-feral rat of a man? 

How could Remus fuckin Sanders have stolen his heart so effortlessly? 

“ _ DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I’LL COME SHUT YOU UP-” _ Virgil’s tempest tongue echoed into Janus’ room, the emo sounding quite annoyed and groggy.

“FUCKIN DO IT, BITCH,” Janus screeched back, his heart racing in his chest, like an absolute  _ idiot _ -

  
“HEY CAN I CUM TOO-” Ah, there was the trash rat man, cackling his head off. Probably literally. 

“NO GO AWAY-” Janus and Virgil both yelled back, everything going silent as Janus’ phone started ringing, Patton’s name flashing on the screen. Uh oh. The snake snatched up his phone and answered, his voice slightly rough from his screaming as he answered, “Hel-”

“Go to bed, both of you, before I have to come in there and give you something to scream about,” Patton’s deceptively sweet voice filtered through, and Janus could hear Virgil’s breath hitch from the speaker. Apparently it was a group call. “Nighty night, boys~”

“Night daddy!” Remus called, the surprise of hearing the rat man making Janus’ heart skip, no other reason.

“Night Pat- sorry-” Virgil muttered, hanging up after Remus did.

“Patton?” Janus asked, once he was sure the other two had left, “Can we talk a little? In my room?” 

“Sure, kiddo! I’ll be right there!” Patton happily replied, the soft  _ click _ followed by a droning tone indicating that everyone had left. 

Janus let out a breath and hung up too, tossing his phone aside as Patton rose up in the middle of his bedroom. Janus immediately cut to the chase, not wanting to keep the moral Side up longer than needed, “Would you consider yourself an expert in romantic feelings?”

Patton slowly blinked at the snake boi, clearly taking a second to process the question. “Uh, I guess? I’m Thomas’ emotions and heart, but Roman also has the romantic ideas and thoughts? We kind of share, I guess? He has the fantasies and some emotions, while I have the emotions and some thoughts, but mostly the emotions. Why?”

“I, uhm,” Janus cleared his throat, feeling his normal cheek flush as he suddenly couldn’t make eye contact, “I may… have… developed… uhm…  _ romantic _ … feelings… for someone-”

“OHMYGOSHTHAT’SSOCUTEEEEE!” Patton squealed, pushing his fists against his cheeks and bouncing on the balls of his feet, “omgomgomgwho!?”

“Patton!” Janus snapped, pointing to his clock, which read 4:36 in bright red numbers, “Hush! And I’m not saying. I just need help confessing.”

Patton eagerly crawled into Janus’ bed without invitation, sitting cross-legged in front of the snake boi, his smile a mile long, “I can help with that! Me and Roman usually worked together whenever Thomas confessed his feelings for a cute boy, and it usually worked! Like, we have a solidly okay success rate!” 

Janus could feel his hope draining away by the second. “Patt-”

“Flowers! Flowers and flower language are a near guarantee for confessing feelings! You can either get fancy and specific, or you can just get the common 12 red roses!” Patton gushed, eyes bright as he cut off Janus. “There’s also chocolates, candies, baked goods! Ooh, maybe a letter, or a poem, or a song!?”

“Patt-”

“A gift! Expensive jewelry, or something handmade! Ooh, handmade is always better!”

“Pa-”

“oH MY GOD SET UP A ROMANTIC DINNER AND DANCE UNDER THE STARS-”

“PATTON-”

Patton fell silent, his eyes wide. Janus took a slow, deep breath. 

“Patton, all those ideas are… nice. I guess. But they don’t… they aren’t things that really… fit, I guess, with our personalities? In fact, I’m sure he’d hate everything you just suggested. It’s all too… mushy.”

“Oh.” Patton frowned, putting his thinking face on. A sudden light entered his eyes, his face morphing into disbelief, “Oh my _g_ _ osh _ -” He whispered, understanding filling his eyes, and Janus just  _ knew- _

“Shush! Don’t say it!” Janus hissed, his face flaring with heat again, “Not a word, Morality!”

“But- but  _ why- _ ” Patton stage whispered, his eyes still painfully wide.

“ _ You think I know, Patton!?” _ Janus hissed right back, his heart flipping, “ _ Why _ or  _ how _ isn’t the point, I need to find a good way to confess before I go insane pining after that fucking idiot rat-”

“Language” Patton said automatically, then shook his head, “Wow, okay. Uh. Yeah, you’re right, nothing I suggested would work for  _ him _ … If you gave him a thing of chocolates he’d probably throw up or something…”

Janus let out a groan and flopped back into his pillows, “This was a mistake. You can’t possibly help me with this. You’re basically his opposite, you can’t really comprehend the stuff  _ he _ enjoys.”

“Well… you could always talk to Roman? He’s the other part of romance, plus he knows  _ him _ better, so maybe he could help?” Patton suggested, sounding vaguely guilty for not being able to help much.

“Maybe… or he’ll just laugh himself to death when he learns of my predicament, and not help at all.” Janus huffed and rolled onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow to let loose another, more frustrated, scream.

Patton gave him a sympathetic pat on the back, “I’m sure he’ll help! Maybe ask in the morning, though. You’ll figure something out!”

“Go back to bed, Patton,”

“Yes sir, snakey man!” Patton giggled and sunk out, leaving Janus to his misery.

\-----------------------------

The next morning, Janus sought out Roman before breakfast even started. He hadn’t been able to sleep much due to his spiraling, distracting thoughts of a certain rat man, so Janus wasn't  _ too _ upset that Roman shrieked and slammed his door upon seeing him. 

“Roman, you prick, open up! I have an important question, something only you can answer!” Janus called, pounding on the door.

Roman slowly cracked his door open, looking apologetic, “Sorry- you startled me- and you look awful-”

“Gee, thanks. Can I come in?”

“Uh. I mean… now?”

“Roman… do you have someone in your room-” Janus felt a smirk pull at his face when he saw Roman’s panicked expression, “Oh my god- I’m telling Patton-”

“waIT NO-” Roman snatched a hand out and tugged Janus into his room before the snake Side could run to Patton and tattle, “Just- I’ll help, just please don’t tell Patton-”

Janus looked over the Prince’s shoulder to see a lump in the middle of Roman’s extravagant four poster bed, purple hair barely visible, tufting out from under a pile of blankets. His smirk grew.

“Oh, Roman, really?  _ Virgil _ ?” Janus giggled, absolutely loving this, “Red and purple are very pleasing together-”

“H u s h,” Roman huffed, his face as red as his sash, “What did you want, anyways, that was so important?”

“Oh, uh-” Janus felt his traitorous face heat up once more. Dammit. “I, uh… also have, uhm, romantic feelings? For someone? And I don’t know how to confess? Patton tried to help, but all his suggestions were too… mushy. He’d hate it, or think it was a joke.”

Roman blinked, and sat on the edge of his bed, “Huh. What all did he suggest?”

“Flowers, candies, baked goods, a letter, a poem, a song and expensive gifts.” Janus sighed and flopped onto the floor where he stood. Virgil wasn’t the only one who could sit in places not meant to be sat in. “All those just… aren’t him. I was hoping you had a better idea.”

Roman frowned and rubbed his chin, “Hm. Those are my usual go-to’s for romantic confessions. It depends on the person, I guess. Who is it?”

“Uh-” Janus spluttered a bit, his face burning. Oh, this was way worse than Patton knowing. “I uhm- well- uh-”

Roman cocked an eyebrow, examining Janus’ pitiful attempts to dodge the question. “Well… it’s not me, or Virgil, or Patton. It could be Logan, but he’d appreciate a poem, honestly. I suppose there’s that orange-themed Side that no one’s seen, like, ever… which, sorry, but I know nothing about him, I can NOT help with that-”

“It’s Remus,”

You could hear a pin drop a mile away, that’s how dead silent it got.

“... you… you want to confess your feelings… your  _ romantic _ feelings… to my brother.” Roman asked, slow and disbelieving.

Janus nodded, refusing to look up from the floor.

Roman opened and closed his mouth a few times without saying a word, obviously fishing for something to say, when-

“Dude, it’s  _ Remus _ . Do something disgusting, gorey, or cursed, and he’ll love it. Spell out his and your name in a heart made of intestines. Make him a new eldritch horror pet. Put on some cursed rat lingerie and pose on his bed for all I care, but if you don’t leave soon and give me back my cuddle buddy, I will eat your toes.” Virgil grumbled from his blanket pile, peeking out just enough to glare at the snake boi. 

Janus blinked, taking a second to process the other’s words. That… that felt more like what Remus would like, honestly. Janus shot Virgil a grin, “thanks, V! Enjoy your cuddles,” And sunk out to begin planning, ignoring the way Roman was torn between gagging at Virgil’s suggestions and blushing over being called Virgil’s cuddle buddy. 

The half-snake dropped into his desk chair, starting to scribble out ideas, trying to come up with suitably gruesome ideas.

_ Janus’ totally sane list of ways to woo Stinky Rat Man (Remus <3 <3) _

_ -Get him a dead body to do… whatever with _

_ -That gross as shit science kit for kids, that makes (probably) edible slime? _

_ -Just. So many glow sticks. Hey may eat them and glow for a while though. _

_ -A black light? He’d like to see what does and doesn’t glow, right? _

_ -some unholy mesh of animals as a pet _

_ -paint him but with blood? _

_ -x-ray machine? _

Janus rubbed his face, letting out a groan. None of these ideas really clicked with him… they were pretty decent, but they weren’t perfect. Remus might miss the message Janus was trying to send. The snake needed something direct, something where there could be no miscommunication… 

A stray thought passed his mind, figuratively lighting up a light bulb in his head. He immediately got to scribbling down his idea, then wrote Logan a little letter and waved it off to the logical Side. He’d need his help for this one.

\------------------------

Janus danced from foot to foot, two of his extra arms behind him, holding his surprise for the chaotic Side while three others fidgeted with his cloak, shirt, and hat, and his last hand knocked on the garish green and black door. He was  _ filled _ with pent-up excitement.

Then the door opened, and Remus poked his head out, and Janus almost couldn’t  _ breathe ‘cause oh wow how long had it been since he’d seen him this close up? _

“Hey, J-anus! What’s got  _ you _ wound tighter than a hookers g-string?” Remus grinned, all sharp teeth and manic eyes, and Janus could have swooned.

“I have something for you,” He managed to reply without stuttering, but his voice was still… a little wobbly. A little nervous. 

Remus seemed to notice something was up, because his feral grin fell to a frown, and he cocked an eyebrow at the shorter Side. “Uh huh… Is it a shower again? Because I really didn’t appreciate that last time.” 

“No, it’s not a shower. It’s special.” Janus couldn’t help but pout a bit, lightly fidgeting with his surprise behind his back. “Close your eyes and hold your hands out.”

“Ooh, kinky, I like-” Remus’ grin was back, eagerly holding his hands out palms up, squeezing his eyes shut. 

Janus took a deep breath, then whipped out the surprise and plopped it wetly into Remus’ waiting hands, scarcely daring to breathe. Remus’ eyes snapped open when something moderately heavy and, most importantly,  _ wet _ and  _ sticky _ was dropped into his hands, his eyes landing on…

A beating human heart.

He blinked a couple times, then looked back up to Janus, “I mean, I’m always down to have more organs to mess around with, but you said it was something special. Whose is it? It isn’t Thomas’ is it-”

Janus barely refrained from biting his lip, and instead of answering, he unclasped the first two clasps of his shirt (ignoring Remus’ automatic wolf whistle at the action), and pulled open his shirt to reveal…

A stitched up incision on his chest, over where his heart should be.

Remus looked confused (and maybe a little concerned) for a second, before his expression suddenly softened immensely. He dropped his gaze to the heart steadily, but quickly, beating in his hands, and let out a soft, “oh,” 

“My heart is yours, do with it what you please,” Janus managed to get out, forcing his voice to remain steady and not wobble with fear of rejection. “Don’t- don't hurt it…?”

Remus looked mildly offended at that, “Of course not, Jay! Don’t worry, I’ll keep it safe.” Remus nodded, looking oddly serious as he snapped a rather beautiful glass case into existence, carefully placing Janus’ heart on a yellow silk pillow inside the case, closing the lid and locking it. Remus placed the key on a chain and looped it around his neck, lifting the case and carefully placing it on it’s own special shelf in his room. 

Janus felt his chest warm despite the lack of a heart, and watched as his heart fluttered and almost seemed to glow, giving away his emotions. Damn the Duke for having a soft side, however small it may be. 

“W-Well,” Janus gently cleared his throat, trying not to show how flustered and touched he was at the obvious care in Remus’ actions, “Glad to, uh, have done business with you bYE-” 

And the incredibly flustered snake sunk out to his room, promptly face planting into his pillows, and screaming once more. Remus was left in his room, alone, looking like an absolutely smitten idiot. He gave his new decoration a soppy smile, watching as the heart fluttered and jumped and  _ glowed _ with love. 

Damn sappy snake, making him sappy, too. Gross.

\----------------------------------

Janus woke up the next morning to a soft green glow coming from his desk. He rubbed his eyes sleepily, sitting up and stretching his arms above his head, before deciding he was awake enough to go investigate.

He nearly swooned at what he found.

A near identical glass box to the one his heart was currently in, except the pillow inside was a murky green and shaggy instead of yellow and silk. Plus, there was a dark heart inside, beating steadily and oozing black blood. Just in case Janus was a total idiot, there was a note with the box.

_ Dear Snake and Bake, _

_ Fair’s fair. Take good care of it. <3 _

_ Your local trash rat _

_ Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3 <3 _

Janus  _ did _ swoon a bit at that, using the utmost care to lift the box with Remus’ heart in it, using a third hand to summon a little black shelf right across from his bed. In full view of the whole room, on full display, edged with tall, thin vases of black roses and nightshade. The half-snake stood back and just admired the new addition to his room’s decor, a stupid, soppy smile on his face. 

Another note flashed into existence right in front of his face, and Janus snatched it out of the air on reflex. Frowning, he unfolded the note, beginning to read.

  
  


_ You wanna go push my brother down a flight of stairs then make out? Asking for a friend. _

  
  
  
  


_ It’s me _

  
  


_ I’m the friend _

  
  


_ ~stinky trash man <3 _

  
  


Janus sighed lovingly, pressing the note to his chest and just savoring it for a moment, before sinking out to wherever Remus was at that moment, probably already ready to ambush his brother.

God, he loved that man.


End file.
